I had a bit of a ranty blog last week and found it quite therapeutic, so thought I’d have another go…

  • Dear Dickheads approaching the ticket stiles, do not wait till you’re right in front of them to get your ticket out. Plan ahead Dickhead!
  • Dear Dickheads failing to get through the stiles, if you’ve attempted five times and it hasn’t let you through, get out of the way and let the people behind you through!
  • Dear Dickheads queuing for the escalator, if you want to walk on the left, queue on the left. If you want to stand on the right, queue on the right. No lane changing at the last second. Dickheads.
  • Dear Dickheads NOT queuing for the escalator, get to the back of the queue! Like everyone else. Don’t walk down the outside and then jump in at the last second.
  • Dear Dickheads at the front of the queue for the escalator, don’t let dickheads jump in the queue!
  • Dear Dickheads getting off the escalator, when you get off you have to keep moving at least at the same speed, else you’ll cause a pile-up.
  • Dear Dickheads running for the lift, if you’re running then you probably don’t need the lift, leave it for people who do.
  • Dear Dickheads with wheely suitcases / umbrellas / buggies / children, learn to have some control over these things. It’s your responsibility to avoid them injuring other people, not other people’s job to avoid you.
  • Dear Dickheads waiting to get on a busy tube, shouting out “can you all move down” does not magically free up space. Accept that sometimes there’s just no more room!
  • Dear Dickheads waiting to get on any tube, for the love of christ, wait for people who are on the tube to get off first! Dickheads!
  • Dear Dickheads getting on the tube, don’t get on and just stop in the doorway, other people are likely getting on behind you.
  • Dear Dickheads sitting in priority seats on the tube, reading your newspaper, phone or tablet or pretending to be asleep does not excuse you from giving up your seat for someone who needs it. If you sit in a priority seat it’s YOUR responsibility to check that other people don’t need it more.
  • Dear Dickheads sitting in any seat on the tube, if a dickhead in a priority seat doesn’t get up for someone who needs it, get up and offer yours.
  • Dear Dickheads leaning on the pole on a busy tube, you are stopping multiple people from holding onto that pole. Stand up and stop being so selfish.
  • Dear Dickheads not holding on to a pole, the train moves, that’s what it does. Don’t be surprised when it does and you end up falling over and smashing into someone else. Hold on, Dickheads.
  • Dear Dickheads reading a newspaper on a busy train, no, your newspaper does not have a priority over other people for space. If it’s busy, put it away.
  • Dear Dickheads wearing headphones, if lots of people keep
    looking at you, it’s unlikely that you’ve suddenly got ridiculously attractive, and more likely to be that they can hear your music. Turn it down, dickhead!
  • Dear Dickheads playing games on tablets or phones, turn the volume off!
  • Dear Dickheads on a ‘held’ tube, no amount of tutting, sighing or muttering will make the train start moving. Everyone is in the same boat as you. Shut up and wait quietly.
  • Dear Dickheads preparing to get off the tube at a major station, chances are that a whole load of other people will be getting off too… so don’t start barging through the crowds until after the doors have opened and you can see who’s going in the same direction!

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